Return to House on Haunted Hill

Victor Garcia's Return to House on Haunted Hill (thriller, horror)
6/10

Oh, RtHoHH. How I wish I loved thee. Firstly, I know that I should probably give you lot a review for the first movie in the series, unsurprisingly dubbed House on Haunted Hill. Or even the original Vincent Price film of the same title. Unfortunately for continuity, I've seen RtHoHH very recently, and HoHH not recently at all. I'll put it up next, scout's honour.

The cast of the movie is really nothing to get excited over. The only name you may have heard before is Jeffrey Combs, and that's only if you're a fan of either Star Trek or the film Re-Animator. Granted, he's done other stuff, but those are his popularly known roles. If you're of the former, you'll know him primarily as Weyoun (DS9), Liquidator Brunt (DS9), Commander Shran (ENT), Krem (ENT), Penk (VOY), Tiron (DS9), or Officer Mulkahey (DS9). Yup. I love me some Jeff Combs. I didn't recognize any of the other cast members. Not important in this instance, though, since they weren't using cast members to sell the movie. I hope.

I'll sum up RtHoHH in a single sentence. There's a house on a hill, it's supposedly haunted and likes to kill people -- yes, folks, the house -- and people still keep going in. There's a reason for the visit, this time, though: a priceless artifact is probably somewhere in its depths. Cue one group of people entering the house to find the artifact and give it to a museum, and another who want to sell it and be rich forever. I am deeply and truly surprised. And utterly lacking in the sarcasm department.

I could have overlooked the somewhat cliche plot of a priceless artifact had the scares been good enough to keep me twitchy afterwards. Unfortunately, all of the spook got used up in the first movie, or something. Garcia, the director, relied far too heavily on elaborate ways to kill his characters and completely forgot to make it anything more than intriguing. The first kill reminded me too much of Thirteen Ghosts (the remake) to take it seriously, and it only went downhill from there.

I was a little grossed out after a particularly interesting scene involving Combs' character, the ghost of Dr. Vannacutt. (Yes, the house really is haunted. Do you think they would have been able to pull a sequel out of their asses if the basic premise wasn't even valid? No. Anyway.) Being a doctor, his ghost is dressed in a lab coat and carries with him many surgical instruments. Like, for instance, a scalpel. He's rather good with his scalpel. It was pretty icky, but that it didn't warrant an adjective stronger than 'icky' means it didn't actually scare me. And, to clarify, that statement is rather enormous. I have two anxiety disorders and at least one mild phobia (that I know of); if I don't understand how it could be scary, it isn't scary. That's it.

While I would recommend this movie to someone with a penchant for Jeffrey Combs, I can't in good conscience recommend it to many other people. I know I gave it more than a passing score, but think of it in university terms: as my father likes to say, six-oh and go. Simply put, if you can't do swimmingly, at least keep your ass off of academic probation and get a 60%. Well done, RtHoHH. You may not have escaped the wrath of the illustrious IMdB, but you six-oh-and-go'd well enough for me.

Watch it, maybe. Meh.